From McSweeney's. The article title says it all: HELLO STRANGER ON THE STREET, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY?
I'm grateful that it's been a while since I received this kind of unsolicited advice.
Yes, he IS crying, isn’t he? You are right. He’s probably hungry. Should I feed him? And if so, where do I put the food? His eyeball? His butt? What kinds of cuts of meat do babies like? Should I not give him hot peppers? How much salt is too much, and when can I expect him to use a knife? If he spits up, should I have him put to sleep? There are just so many things I need to know, and that is why I rely on total strangers like you who happen to be experts on child care.