What You Might Not Know
Monday, May 6, 2013 at 11:20AM 
"A baby is born in a few tough hours, but a mother's birth takes years."
For those of you who are pregnant right now.
For those of you who were once pregnant and then had a baby, and maybe the birth didn't go the way you planned or hoped -- that is to say, every single woman who has ever given birth.
For those of you who read all the natural childbirth books and blogs and stories and visioned the hell out of a birth just like that for yourself, only to end up in recovery with a lower abdominal scar that you never wanted.
Here is what you might not know, what might not come through clearly in all those natural childbirth books and blogs and movies.
When I was pregnant, I chucked out the window "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and read only Ina May Gaskin, Robert Bradley, Pam England. I watched movies filled with ecstatic images of women giving birth naturally in the Black Sea, dolphins swimming nearby. I would birth at home naturally, I would birth not only my baby but also my new self as a mother, and the way I chose to do it would set the tone for the rest of my life in this role.
They don't mean to do it, these natural childbirth educators, but sometimes they convey the unspoken message that if your birth does not go this way, then you are a dud. Ina May Gaskin has a famous quote meant to encourage women in the middle of natural childbirth: "Your body is not a lemon." Your body is an evolutionary genius. You don't need all those medical interventions to give birth.
So when your homebirth turns into a hospital birth via cesarean section, the only thing you can hear is the inverse of her words, echoing coldly down sterile hallways in your mind: "But you? Your body *is* a lemon. Your body failed."
Not only that, but the crowning moment, that unforgettable sensation of your baby slipping out of your body through your sheer effort alone -- that moment whose alchemy would transform you into a mother... well, you missed out on that, too. You lost the rite of passage you dreamed of. Tough shit, kid.
What you might not know is that your birth does not define the kind of mother you will be. I still believe in natural childbirth. I will try for a natural homebirth again next time. But I also know that while birth is profoundly important for both mother and child, it is not the last chance. It feels like it, when you're pregnant or caring for a newborn baby, but it is only the first of a million chances for you to bond with your child, to grow into your new role as a mother, to show your immense love for this new creature. I learned this through grieving the loss of my ideal birth. I learned this through the cadre of powerful mothers whom I met through ICAN, the group that saved my life over and over, starting with the first meeting I attended when my son was four weeks old.
What you might not know, but will learn: your birth does not define you as a mother.
And if your birth doesn't define you, maybe there's no single act or decision that will define you as a mother. Maybe it's only the infinite daily work that you do as a mother that will define you.
Or perhaps you might learn that definitions are useless in the work of mothering. They're the cold comfort that you reach for when you realize that your heart is broken wide open and will never stitch back together. When you feel your heart reach for the women across cultures and time and place who have also mothered, when you cry for children you'll never meet. When you realize that you are wholly not in control of this wide world.
All of those books and theories and labels, they can bolster you or help you find a community of like-minded parents, which absolutely matters. But at the end of the day, there is only you, your child, and the other human beings around you who are helping to bring that child up into the world.
A mother's birth takes years. A mother's birth is never complete. A mother's birth will last the rest of her life.
This is what I didn't know.
(Thanks to Cristina Pippa for introducing me to Gogerty's work.)
Reader Comments (7)
You are so great to share this info. Aaaan I love love loooooove the pic of you and Felix. xoxo
I feel like I could sit down with you and a pot of tea and talk for hours about this. Thank you for posting this right at the moment I most needed to hear it.
Serena directed me here and I'm so happy that she did. This is SO very true. My oldest is 4.5 years old and I'm still going through my birth as a mother. Each stage of development of my children is a new stage of development for me as a mother. I always said I wanted to be a professional student all my life, and motherhood has indeed given me that gift!!
Yes, a bazillion times to all of this!
Thanks, you guys! Serena, you're so sweet. Thanks for sharing this post with your mama friends.
And Nora, I wish we could sit down, too! You know where to text me and you can always do so, at any point in this process. Not like I know everything, but I know what I know and I'm happy to share it.
Michele, good to virtually meet you! A lifelong professional student -- oh man, that is so spot on. I often say that I'm in an advanced degree course of study... and it will never end.
And Cate, love to you, you fierce and wonderful mama and woman.
"Or perhaps you might learn that definitions are useless in the work of mothering. They're the cold comfort that you reach for when you realize that your heart is broken wide open and will never stitch back together. When you feel your heart reach for the women across cultures and time and place who have also mothered, when you cry for children you'll never meet. When you realize that you are wholly not in control of this wide world."
So true and so beautiful. I'm really glad you enjoyed Feet First in the Water with a Baby in My Teeth. You know, I think there's not much we can actually expect when we're expecting and especially not once that expectation is running around in the world.
I love this! And I still love Ina May, didn't get the births I wanted, and love ICAN.